For many people, the word for being compassionate toward others is sympathy. But the better approach — with friends, relatives and of course significant others — is empathy. Sympathy is, “I see your pain.” Empathy is, “I feel your pain.” Empathy fuels connection, while sympathy can drive disconnection when the one sympathizing maintains an emotional distance.

Sympathy is telling someone that you recognize they’re in a bad situation and hurting. Empathy is actually feeling with the other person. But to connect with someone else at that level, you first have to connect with something in yourself that knows that feeling. Feeling with someone creates a shared experience, so they feel less alone and that someone else “gets” what they’re going through on a gut level. Empathy is not simply relating to an experience; it’s actively participating in it by connecting personally to the other person’s emotions that underpin that experience.

Feel, Don’t Fix

One of the worst ways to respond to someone who’s hurting is, “Well, at least ….”

A woman whose dog, her long-treasured companion, became very ill noticed that friends would say, “Well, at least she had a good life,” or, “At least you still have another dog.”

Neither of those supposed “comforts” were very comforting. Instead, she said, on the day her dog died, another friend brought her flowers and ice cream and just sat with her empathically in her grief. She listened, internally related her friend’s feelings to her own experiences of loss and compassionately communicated that understanding without putting any pressure or expectation on her friend to respond in any particular way. She didn’t try to make it “better”; she just tried to make her feel less alone.

The urge to “fix” a person who feels sad or overwhelmed can be strong. Offering advice to move on or look on the bright side may feel more like a judgment or burden than help. And while no verbal response can make any bad situation “better,” offering a real, empathic connection can make the person going through it feel validated and supported.

Four Qualities of Empathy

Dr. Teresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar, identifies four essential attributes of empathy:

• Accepting someone else’s perspective as truth. When you share or take on another person’s viewpoint, it’s crucial to recognize their perspective as their truth, even if you might see things differently yourself.
• Being non-judgmental. To truly empathize, we must put aside our own assumptions, opinions and biases. Judging someone else, their situation or their feelings about their situation discounts their experience.
• Being attuned. Understanding, relating and identifying with someone else’s emotions requires being in touch with our own feelings while also focusing on the person in distress.
• Communicating understanding. Empathy requires actively expressing your understanding of the other person’s feelings, which can provide comfort and validation.

The next time someone you know is having difficulties — over the death of a pet, a loved one, a scary financial situation or a marital crisis — try not to “fix” or minimize what they’re facing. Instead, strive to stand in their shoes, feel what they’re feeling without judgment and communicate your understanding. That is true empathy and the only chance you have of making things better for someone else.

If you’re facing difficulties yourself and would like to talk with someone, a trained counselor can help. You can reach me through my website, CouplesTherapyOrlando.com, or by calling me at 407-579-2070.